
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/2519078.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Panic!_at_the_Disco
  Relationship:
      Ryan_Ross/Brendon_Urie
  Character:
      Ryan_Ross, Brendon_Urie, Jon_Walker, Spencer_Smith
  Additional Tags:
      Ryden, Multi_Chapter, multiple_chapter, POV, Alternate_Universe_-_High
      School, High_School_AU
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-10-27 Updated: 2014-11-23 Chapters: 2/? Words: 3267
****** Love is Not a Choice ******
by dothetrickortreat
Summary
     Brendon and Ryan are dating-- Well. Were dating. Brendon has a
     reputation to maintain, and plus he loves his new girlfriend. At
     least that's what he has to tell himself every time he starts getting
     bad thoughts about the lanky nerdy brunette who he was fucking for 5
     months. But it had to be more than just the fucking. At least that's
     what Ryan has to tell himself every time he sees Brendon shoving his
     tongue down his perfect cheerleader girlfriends throat.
      
     **Inspired by Cracked Up to Be by Courtney Summers**
Notes
     I haven't decided yet what year exactly this takes place. Definitely
     after 2006 but I'm not sure if it's in 2014 or earlier. Maybe I'll
     let you guys decide, or tell me what year you'd like best.
     I imagine Brendon looking like he does in Vices, but younger, and
     it's kind of hard for me to describe exactly how Ryan looks so I'll
     let you guys use your imagination.
***** 1- Lying Is The Most Fun a Boy Can Have Without Taking His Clothes Off
*****
His hands go over mine roughly as mine grip the sheets, my head back as I
moan. His hips collide against my thighs as my feet rest on his
shoulders. Thud. Pull out. Thud. Pull out. It's all so quick, so rough, which
makes me moan for more, for harder, for faster. "Brendon--" I gasp, my head
still back and my mouth wide open. Brendon's mouth is at my neck, biting and
licking and sucking. If he even so much as brushes up against my dick right now
I'll probably cum all over the both of us, and he knows that. 
"How much longer do you think you can hold out?"  , Brendon says against my
neck, smirking as he says it. He pulls all the way out for a moment, just the
tip teasing my entrance. I whimper, which makes him bite his lip and grind
against me a little, teasing me more. Fuck. 
His lips kiss down my neck, stopping for moment to nibble. 
He already knows the answer, he knows I'm a brush away from cumming, he knows
that every little touch and thrust and kiss is bringing me closer and closer.
"So, I was thinking..." 
But that's all over now.
"For our project, we should definitely do something based off of a book."
Spencer is looking at me expectantly, waiting for my opinion. I'm sure he can
tell by my face that I'm hardly paying any attention to our obviously very
important art project.
"Sure." I say, because I don't care about the project at the moment and I could
care less whether we make a replica of Michelangelo's "David" or paint a
literal piece of shit.
"Ryan, oh my god we have a week to do this. Work with me." Spencer says,
grabbing my upper arms now, frustrated. 
We sit in our usual seats in art class, back corner, unseen and unbothered. 
The class is in rows, everyone at a two-person table. Me and Spencer sit in the
back corner, along with the other less-popular kids and general troublemakers.
The kids who could care less and don't mind whether they're there or not sit in
the middle. And then there's the front. Jocks, of course. Which includes, yeah,
you guessed it, Brendon.
Brendon, that's why my mind was off track in the first place.
He sits in the middle of the front row, right next to one of his jock best
friends, Dan Dreeker, who is by far the biggest douchebag I've ever known, and
I've known him for 10 years. We both have. In fact, me and Brendon use to talk
about how much we hated him. How times have changed.
Spencer turns his head to follow my gaze, landing his eyes on Brendon. He rolls
his eyes and turns his body away from me. 
"I know you miss being friends with Brendon but this is getting weird." 
"What do you mean?"
"I catch you looking at him at least four times a week."
Only four times? I must be pretty smooth considering I spend 70% of my school
time trying not to stare at him and failing.
"Well I see him in 3 of my 6 classes, and at lunch."
"Doesn't mean you have to stare like a betrayed puppy."
That's exactly what I am though, a little betrayed puppy. 
Brendon turns to look at one of his friends and he looks at me. He smiles. He
fucking smiles. 
And then he waves, and I just nod my head in acknowledgement. 
"See," Spencer says, once Brendon looks away "it's not like he hates you, just
talk to him."
"I can't." 
"Why?"
"I just..." I can never tell Spencer. Brendon and me promised what happened
during those 5 months was between us and us only. 
Spencer doesn't even know I'm gay.
Not that we exactly get hung up on things like that. It's never really mattered
between us. Any of us. Brendon, Spencer, Jon, and me. That was until Brendon
and me started fucking, obviously.
"You know what, Mr. Geyer gave us that assignment like 10 minutes ago and we
don't even have a fucking idea yet. Let's shut up about Brendon." Spencer says
finally, clicking his pen and hovering his hand over the notebook in front of
him.
"So, yes? We should do something based on a book?"
"Sure."
 _________
It's 4th hour now, 2 classes later, and I'm sitting in my geometry class ready
to blow my god damn brains out. Not because the work is hard, but because
Miranda Lanter (Brendon's girlfriends best friend), is sitting behind me and
won't stop talking about how cute Brendon and his girlfriend are together. I
should probably learn her name soon if I'm going to spend so much time thinking
about how much I hate her.
"--then, after she started to walk away, he pulled her back and kissed her. It
was so CUTE, and really hot." 
Brendon use to do that to me. Not in school of course, but he did it.
_________
 
"I was thinking we could do something based on something by Chuck Palahniuk
since you love him so much?" Spencer says the next hour at the lunch table. 
That definitely gets my attention, which I'm sure if exactly what he was
hoping.
He sees this and smiles hopefully.
The whole art hour was nothing but me ignoring Spencer and staring at the back
of Brendon's head, quickly looking away whenever it even so much as looked like
he was about to look in my direction. I can't have him thinking I still
actually care about him. How pathetic would that be?
"How about Fight Club?" says Spencer. It's the only book by Chuck Palahniuk he
actually knows, so of course that would be the one he suggests. I groan just
thinking about how typical and boring that would be. 
"Well I don't know any other books by him, so if you choose one, you're going
to be doing all the drawing."
I would have ended up doing all the drawing anyway, considering Spencer can't
draw for shit, and I won't have our art project looking like a 6 year old did
it.
"Fine, but then you can do all the..."
My sentence lingers off as I become distracted by the brunette striding past
me. Spencer doesn't seem to notice as he becomes distracted by one of our many
scene queen friends that like to sit with us. If only I liked girls. I would be
getting laid, and I wouldn't have to care about Brendon.
Brendon walks to the back of the cafeteria, towards the doors that lead out of
the school, no doubt going somewhere more interesting for lunch. His pack of
wild douches trails behind him.
_________________________
 
It's 10pm and I lay in my room. Homework done, most of it anyway, and boy of
the year stuck in my head. I don't usually think of him all that much anymore,
not since he broke it off at the end of the summer. Not since he broke us off.
But having 3 classes with him a day every day can get to a person, I guess.
I sit at my desktop, Facebook open in one tab and youtube in another, playing
Fall Out Boy at max volumes. Dad's gone tonight but I decided I needed to be
home alone, instead of at Spencer's. Would be kind of weird if I tried to stay
there when all I can think about is the past summer with Brendon.
My eyes linger over his name in the list of people on chat. I click it.
'I'm not going to message him' I tell myself. And I don't.
I go into the full conversation page since it's easier to read all of our
messages, and I start from the most recent conversation.
 
[Brendon Urie 2:48AM 8/12: i miss you......... see you tomorrow?]
[Ryan Ross 2:50AM 8/12: of course]
[Brendon Urie 2:54AM 8/12: i love you i love you i love you]
 
Brendon must have had one serious mood swing that morning because the next day,
he texted me saying he couldn't see me that day.
And then a week later, after texting him and calling him, he finally shows up
at my door.
And he wants to talk.
And he's not looking me in the eyes.--
I push the memories back down and scroll up farther, surpassing months worth of
messages, so far back it's before we even started dating, started having sex,
before we even kissed. 
 
[Ryan Ross 3:14PM: r u with spence?]
[Brendon Urie 3:14PM: maaaaybe]
[Ryan Ross 3:15PM: where are you guys?]
[Brendon Urie 3:17PM: ur moms]
[Ryan Ross 3:17PM: Brendon.]
[Brendon Urie 3:20PM: where do u think we are?? we're at jons]
 
No reply, probably because I left immediately to get to Jon's. My dad had woken
up hungover and I needed to get out of there, fast. I ended up staying there
that night will all three of them.
I miss those nights, where it was me and Spencer and Jon and Brendon. We sat
and talked about girls, or about music, or books. Just anything really. Sure, I
still hang out with Spencer and stay the night, but nothing has been the same
since that day back in August.
--------------
 
"Wow, long time no see, where have you fucking been?" I say, opening the door
and seeing Brendon standing there. He wears a hoodie, despite the fact it's 70
degrees out, and a pair of grey shorts. I'm happy he's finally come to see me,
but angry he hasn't been responding, and worried about why he hasn't been
responding, and now paranoid because Brendon looks like he's about to tell me
that someone has died. 
"We need to talk." Brendon says after a few silent moments.
In that moment, it became obvious to me that it wasn't a person who had died,
it was our relationship that was in the middle of dying.
"Well, yeah. Come in." I say, opening the door more. I'm still worried, but I'm
trying to be hopeful. Maybe he was just having some bad thoughts, maybe I can
remind him how much we like each other, maybe--
"I can't."
I nod slowly. I can feel my heart sinking faster and faster into my stomach and
then I can't move and my hand is sort of stuck to the edge of the door. 
We stand there for a while, me staring at Brendon's shoes and Brendon sort of
just, well, staring.
"I can't... date you anymore. I can't have sex with you anymore. I can't kiss
you anymore."
He's so blunt about it. Is this not tearing him up inside as much as it's
tearing me? Does he not remember anything from the past 5 months? Does he just
not care?
Is that why he's breaking up with me? He doesn't care anymore? I can't wrap my
head around this.
I manage to break my gaze away from Brendon's shoes, and I take a hard swallow,
looking up at his face.
His expression is cold, stiff. He almost looks sad for a moment. Almost.
"I-- I don't understand. Did I do something?"
"Ryan."
That shuts me up. He says my name like it's nothing. Like I'm nothing.
"I have to go."
And like that he turns away. His hands in his pockets, and his head down. 
***** Sometimes You're Better Off Alone *****
Chapter Summary
     Brendon needs a tutor, Ryan needs to move on.
Chapter Notes
     Sorry I'm so shitty at updating, I just have no motivation and I
     always get distracted. Forgive me.
The next day at school, Spencer notices me sneaking peaks at Brendon again in
art class. I must be losing my touch if he's noticing me this easily.
"Hey Ryan?" Spencer says smirking, his eyes shifting between me and Brendon.
"What?" 
"Have you heard of the term "stalking"?"
I roll my eyes, staring down at the project in front of us. My vision is a bit
blurry from tiredness, and the sketches I already have down on the paper are
hardly visible to me, but I'm sure it looks terrible anyway considering my
current state.
I was up until at least 12am last night, scrolling through all of mine and
Brendon's messages. It was nostalgic, and sad, and left me feeling like shit by
the time I went to bed. I don't feel too much better now.
"Stalking?"
"I'm sure that creepily watching someone from a distance can be considered
stalking."
"Shut your god damn mouth Smith, I'm not stalking Brendon, and I wasn't
watching him. I just happened to glance at him."
"For 5 minutes?" 
"You're over exaggerating it." 
"Am I? You're getting pretty defensive."
I looked back down at the project and groaned. I do not have the patience for
this right now.
"Spencer, make yourself useful and color or something." I said to Spencer as I
pushed the paper in his direction.
"But you're not even done sketching?" he said as he frowned at my poor excuse
for sketch.
I put my head down on our desk in response.
_______________________________________________________________________
 
"Hey Ryan?" 
What. The fuck. What the fuck.
It's 3rd period now, which is when I have US History with Brendon. I sit at my
desk, which inconveniently (or conveniently?) is right by his, working on some
study guide bullshit our teacher threw our way.
I have no idea what to say as I look up from my writing and Brendon is standing
there next to my desk.
I feel a mix of emotions all at once, and I think he can probably see it all
play out on my face, just like  I could see it play out on his that day back in
August.
Anger, confusion, sadness, and just plain curiosity.  
"Uh..." is all that manages to come out of my mouth as I stare in confusion. 
"Do you have a pen I can borrow?"
Are you fucking kidding me?
"Uh... yeah." 
I stop and go into my binder, pulling out a black pen. I almost don't want to
give it to him. Why didn't he just ask someone else?
I hand it to him, careful not to touch his hand.
"Thanks" he says, and I swear he seems almost shy or sheepish. What the fuck?
I expect him to walk away, but he just sort of stands there.
"Do you... need something else?" I say cautiously. Part of me wants him to need
something from me, or to stay and talk. But the other part, the bitter part,
wants him to get the fuck away from me and let me finish my homework.
"No, I mean... well yeah. Are you any good at math?"
Either he's completely forgotten the past three years we were friends, or he's
trying to act like he did.
"I guess." I say sarcastically, because fuck yeah I'm good at math, I tutored
him for two years.
"Well uh... do you think you could help me out? I'm getting a D right now and I
don't really have any friends who are good at it. I mean it's totally cool if
you don't want to help or whatever."
I stare at him for a moment. He's wearing a black and blue flannel, with a
shirt underneath that says "Stay drug free", which makes me smirk a little.
I have to admit, he looks REALLY good. Too good. 
I suddenly feel really small and shy, even though I've always been taller than
him, but now I'm sitting in this tiny desk and he's leaning against it like he
owns it.
I would probably be blushing right now, but unfortunately (fortunately?) all my
blood has migrated south.
"I mean yeah, I guess I could. You have Aker's class, right?" Math is one of
the classes I don't share with him.
"Yeah, yeah." He says nodding, a smile on his face.
What a fucking cute idiot. I hate him.
_______
We make plans to go to the school library after school tomorrow, where we will
work like civilized young adults and then leave.
After he makes his way back to his desk, he just sits there and talks to all
his friends, not once picking up the pen he asked me for.
I'm definitely not nervous for tomorrow. Definitely not.
_______
 
"So I'm tutoring Brendon after school tomorrow." I say to Spence as we sit down
at the lunch table together. 
"I knew you were stalking him!" He says with a laugh, pleased with himself.
"Ha ha, fuck off."
My eyes wonder to the doors of the school, watching kid after kid leave. Most
are probably going out to eat and some might just be going to hang out in their
car, or the less popular kids go out to smoke or drug deal.
"Y'know, we should really start leaving school for lunch, or at least not be
sitting in here." I look towards Spencer, who is barely paying attention to me
as he ogles one of our lady friends sitting across from us, Miranda.
"Spencer."
"Wh-- oh yeah I heard you." He says, turning his attention towards me finally.
"Why? We have our harem of girls right here." He says with a smile and looks
back towards Miranda.
"I don't know it's just boring, and we look like losers." 
Spencer takes a look around at our lunch table. We're literally surrounded by
attractive girls.
"Ryan I don't think anyone thinks we're losers. Maybe weird, but definitely not
losers."
I frown a little, looking back towards the cafeteria doors.
_______
 
Last period, Chemistry. Another class I have with Brendon, and also Jon.
Me and Jon don't really talk anymore, mostly because Brendon was what made us
friends, but we are lab partners, so we kind of bond over that.
"Try shaking it a bit maybe?" 
"What would that do?"
"I don't know! It could start some kind of reaction... maybe."
We both groan and I lean forward, putting my elbows on the table and my head in
my hands.
I dare peek up and I see Brendon sitting a couple tables away with his
girlfriend. 
They're laughing and talking and I kind of want to rip my own spleen out of my
body.
"Do you and Brendon really not talk anymore?" Jon says suddenly, startling me.
He must of seen me staring. I'm getting really terrible at this.
"Uh, no not really. Actually, I'm tutoring him tomorrow after school." I say in
response, lifting my arms and head off the desk and putting my hands between my
legs.
"In what?"
"Math."
"Math? Why would Brendon have you tutor him in math if he has people like
Kelsey Harris or Mike Dugger as his friends?" 
Kelsey Harris and Mike Dugger are two of the smartest kids in our year. They
also happen to be acquaintances of Brendon. 
Jon has a great point.
I blush a little, and I think to myself, what if Brendon purposely asked me
because he wanted to hang out with me?
What if he wants to be friends again?
And then I remember that I'm suppose to hate him and that he basically stomped
my heart into the ground with a stiletto heel and threw away our 2 years of
friendship and 5 months of love and I don't care.
I don't care if Brendon wants to be friends again, and I don't care what he
might say tomorrow after school, and I don't care if some nights all I want him
to do is hold me in his arms again because I sure as hell deserve better than
what he gave me.
I don't care, and Brendon Boyd Urie can go fuck himself.
 
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